SELF-TALK

REMINDER 1:  Remind yourself that you are not in control of the staring but you are in control of how the staring affects you and you are in control of how you respond.  You can choose to let it bother you or you can choose to just ignore it or shrug it off or you can choose to respond to it in various ways.

REMINDER 2: You can use humor to put a positive spin on staring. Author Jessica Cox says, “My friend Sean Stephenson, who happens to be in a wheelchair, says, “I just use the staring as practice for when I become a celebrity!” 

REMINDER 3: Remind yourself that, Well, after all, you probably stare too. When you see something different, or are curious about someone who is doing something differently than you, you stare. You stare because you are curious and sometimes you are so curious that you forget that it is rude. You don’t mean anything bad by it. Remember that most people who are staring at you probably stare for the same reason that you stare. 

REMINDER 4: Recognize that staring is not rude in all cultures. Sometimes people who have been raised in different cultures have learned that staring is fine, that it is just showing interest and that it is not rude. Maybe the person staring at you was raised in a different culture or just hasn’t been taught the same manners that you have learned.

REMINDER 5: Remember that people are always trying to do things to get noticed. They dye their hair different colors. They play their music really loud. They get the most expensive tennis shoes. They are trying to get attention because they know that getting attention can be a positive thing. You don’t have to try to get noticed. There is already something different about you and that’s okay. It’s not a bad thing to stand out in a crowd. It means people will remember you and notice you. Good things can happen because of that. Just make sure that you aim to do things that are actually great, so they have a good reason to notice you instead of just noticing something different about the way you walk or how you look.  Let your actions and attitudes be the thing that makes you shine even brightest.

Now that you have some good things to tell yourself, what are your options for responding to other people?

RESPONSE OPTION #1
RESPONSE OPTION 1: The Zero Response.  There is no rule that says you have to respond. You can choose to just leave the situation. Just keep your cool and leave the area.  Leave the other person kind of staring at… nothing.

RESPONSE OPTION 2: Make a Friend. Every person who stares at you is a potential friend. Smile and wave, introduce yourself and ask the name of the person who is staring. Pretty soon, you might have a new friend.

RESPONSE OPTION 3: Turn the Tables.  Shift the attention from you back to them. Say to the person staring, “I really like your shirt, or hat”, etc.  This lets the person know that you can notice things about them  just like they can notice things about you. You can even point out what is different about the person. “I noticed you have a lot of freckles!  I guess we are all different in different ways, right!”

RESPONSE OPTION 4: Change the Focus:  Pick something that you both might be interested in, and see if you can start up a conversation about it. That way the stares shift from you to the object you are asking or talking about. “Hey, do you like that kind of comic book?”

RESPONSE OPTION 5: Be the Teacher: “Looks like you are curious about me, I have a condition called SA/CRS. It means the lower part of my spine didn’t form, so I look different and my legs are small. Other than that, I’m just like you. I’m happy to answer questions, as long as your questions aren’t rude. “ 

RESPONSE OPTION 6: Defend your Fort:  Sometimes you’ve had enough! That’s okay. You can create space for yourself, and maybe help the person learn a few manners at the same time. “I know you might be curious about me, and you might have a lot of questions, but right now you keep staring at me and I don’t like it. I don’t think you would like it if someone stared at you all day long. Maybe I look different than you do, but I know something you don’t seem to know. I know that it’s rude to stare at people, so maybe you need to find something else to do.”

RESPONSE OPTION 7: Magic Deflection: If someone blurts out a rude question or statement, you can make it bounce right off of you using a trick called Deflecting. For example, if someone says “Why can’t you walk?” you don’t have to answer that question.  Instead of answering the question that may be too intrusive or rude, just answer some different questions that you are comfortable answering.  “I guess you have some questions about me. I have a condition called sacral agenesis. It makes my legs small, but that doesn’t stop me from doing anything I want to do. One thing I like to do is ______. Do you like to do that?”  Most of the time, the person does not even realize that you answered a different question than the one they asked you. 

RESPONSE OPTION 8: Jump the Gun:  Anticipate the question and start talking about it before the person asks. This puts you in charge of the question and the answer.  “I can see you notice that I don’t have legs and you probably want to know why. Well, I was born with a condition called sacral agenesis. It just means my lower spine and legs didn’t end up looking like yours, but other than that I’m just like you. I do everything you can do, but maybe I just do it a little differently. “

RESPONSE OPTION 9: Be Prepared  If you are going to a place where you expect that you are going to get a lot of curious stares and non-stop questions, think about preparing little postcards of information like this one. If people start bothering you, just hand them a card and move on.

Hi. It seems you are curious and may have a lot of questions about me. It’s fine to ask questions, as long as they are not rude questions, but I don’t always have time to answer them. You can imagine it’s not fun to answer the same questions again and again all day long from many different people.  Also, it’s not polite just to stare at me. So, here’s a card with a little information about me.                                                    For more information, you can look at www.isacra.org I have a condition called sacral agenesis (or SA). It means the lower part of my spine didn’t form, and my legs are small. Other than that I’m just like you and I can do pretty much everything you do. Sometimes I do things a little differently, but I still do them just fine. And, guess what! There are probably a few things I can do better than you. I like to be treated just like everyone else and I really enjoy life and I do lots of things with my friends and family. Even if we do not look exactly the same, we probably like to do many of the same things for fun. I hope you have a great day.